ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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