I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
