I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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