haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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