the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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