I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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