Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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