My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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