Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
