I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
