I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
