I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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