Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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