i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
