He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When did angry sex become our thing?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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