I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
