The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
