Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
