barbara walters just said penis...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
