he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
