a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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