my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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