My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
