just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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