I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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