I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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