ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
