I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
