We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
