yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
