There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
