I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
