He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
