we're chasing vodka with high fives
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
