I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
