i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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