We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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