I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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