Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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