we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
