i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
