Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
