My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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