this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
