Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
