Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
