i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
