I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
