i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She's the barista slut.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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