Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
