Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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