just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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