Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
